Monday, April 25, 2011

A good day gone...well, I really don't know.

Here's the deal: My mother has been mentally sick for the past two years. In 2009, my mom went to the hospital for a tic bite she had gotten and had a bad reaction to the medication and then had a mental reaction because of the hospital. She was having hallucinations kept thinking that my dad was no longer loyal or that I was being raped my spirits. She kept trying to escape, there's even a crack in one of the blinds to my back door because she was trying to run away. This time it's about money, which is dangerous. She's been on medication that's been helping so much, but I think we have to up her dosage now. But she won't admit that she's sick and that she's right. She only cares about what's on the outside and is stubborn. She doesn't want help or medication. She refuses to see any kind of specialist. She thinks my dad transferred their joint money to his account when he didn't do anything. So now it's getting to the point where there might be some legal issues so things are really getting rough.

It's so hard to deal. What am I supposed to do? I keep asking that question but I know there's no straight answer. She sees a doctor but she's so resistant and doesn't think she needs help. Sometimes, I get so angry that I just want to yell but I know that wouldn't help. I have to pretend that nothing's wrong. It's just hard on the heart. Whenever I think about it, my chest feels heavy. I always get afraid that I'll get that call that my mom has done something drastic and has ended up in the hospital or worse. We don't trust her to drive that much, she recently got into a fender bender a couple weeks ago. She's so distracted with who knows what. What's worse with me is that I create all these scenarios in my head that then emotionally trigger my mind, so I have all these untrue ideas. I know they aren't true but then I always have the "what if" option in my head.

It's so rough. I'm just trying to get by without having to run into trouble.

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