Saturday, April 16, 2011

Everyone Dies, but Not Everyone Lives

I feel like things are rushing so quickly. I have a bunch of art that I need to finish and I have to think about how things are going to change for DeVry. It might not seem a lot but, it's a new idea.

I emailed the chairperson for my church's carnival about doing photography and she emailed me back quickly saying she would like to have me do some photography with another person! I've seen the person around church so that's good. I'm really excited for this opportunity.

I've been wanting to be more active, both mentally and physically. It's hard to find inspiration. I've been doing the same thing everyday. I haven't really gone out this semester. Relay for Life is coming up soon and I'm excited for that. Then in a month is 1.) Graduation and 2.) Steampunk World's Fair. It'll be my first time going to steampunk. I'm pretty excited, it'll be fun and I'll be around my kind again. I don't have a problem being with, "normal" people I guess. But something about this new style and way of life is so invigorating. The fashion is beautiful, the people are so nice and friendly. Maybe it has to do with that I've been living at home so much and I'm yearning for something new. Also, I love the music in this genre; it's so upbeat and amazing!

I can't believe I'm going to blog about this, but I've been feeling rather...lonely, lately. I know it's a cheesy thing to be talking about, but I need to get it out. I don't know what it is with me, but I overthink things when it comes to guys and what my mind does is creates all these scenarios that I hope will happen, but I know that they won't. I always urge people to make a move, you only live once. And where am I? Sitting in my bedroom wishing I had the guts. I can't even take my own advice. Does that make me a hypocrite? I don't want to think so, but I have this barrier with people I don't know. I need something to break that wall. But it's so thick of letdowns and fears. I'm mostly a confident person about myself. I speak out when I see fit, and I have my cocky moments. I don't get what happens when I go in public and that damned wall comes up. I never had that when I was in St. Peter's. I wish I knew what I know now, then. I wish even more that I graduated from there. I wish I didn't meet the people I met at Franklin. Things changed, I was robbed of physically and mentally. I'm not really sure what my point is. I think, that I'm trying to slowly chip away at my wall that keeps me from being myself. But there are moments that have created that wall that can't really be destroyed. I've been doing some digging. I'm not sure if I'm ready to break down that wall and start over? Or maybe the wall has already broken me down and I need time and experience to rebuild myself. Maybe I'm just complicating things even more. Maybe I should concentrate on myself and find out what I'm searching for before I go looking for it.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Geeze. What a question. The true answer would be nothing. But there doesn't have to be one singular thing you want to achieve. There can be many things. But that one thing...I'm not even sure what I want. I need to do some more digging.

I'm not there yet.

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