A good day gone...well, I really don't know.

Here's the deal: My mother has been mentally sick for the past two years. In 2009, my mom went to the hospital for a tic bite she had gotten and had a bad reaction to the medication and then had a mental reaction because of the hospital. She was having hallucinations kept thinking that my dad was no longer loyal or that I was being raped my spirits. She kept trying to escape, there's even a crack in one of the blinds to my back door because she was trying to run away. This time it's about money, which is dangerous. She's been on medication that's been helping so much, but I think we have to up her dosage now. But she won't admit that she's sick and that she's right. She only cares about what's on the outside and is stubborn. She doesn't want help or medication. She refuses to see any kind of specialist. She thinks my dad transferred their joint money to his account when he didn't do anything. So now it's getting to the point where there might be some legal issues so things are really getting rough.

It's so hard to deal. What am I supposed to do? I keep asking that question but I know there's no straight answer. She sees a doctor but she's so resistant and doesn't think she needs help. Sometimes, I get so angry that I just want to yell but I know that wouldn't help. I have to pretend that nothing's wrong. It's just hard on the heart. Whenever I think about it, my chest feels heavy. I always get afraid that I'll get that call that my mom has done something drastic and has ended up in the hospital or worse. We don't trust her to drive that much, she recently got into a fender bender a couple weeks ago. She's so distracted with who knows what. What's worse with me is that I create all these scenarios in my head that then emotionally trigger my mind, so I have all these untrue ideas. I know they aren't true but then I always have the "what if" option in my head.

It's so rough. I'm just trying to get by without having to run into trouble.

Everyone Dies, but Not Everyone Lives

I feel like things are rushing so quickly. I have a bunch of art that I need to finish and I have to think about how things are going to change for DeVry. It might not seem a lot but, it's a new idea.

I emailed the chairperson for my church's carnival about doing photography and she emailed me back quickly saying she would like to have me do some photography with another person! I've seen the person around church so that's good. I'm really excited for this opportunity.

I've been wanting to be more active, both mentally and physically. It's hard to find inspiration. I've been doing the same thing everyday. I haven't really gone out this semester. Relay for Life is coming up soon and I'm excited for that. Then in a month is 1.) Graduation and 2.) Steampunk World's Fair. It'll be my first time going to steampunk. I'm pretty excited, it'll be fun and I'll be around my kind again. I don't have a problem being with, "normal" people I guess. But something about this new style and way of life is so invigorating. The fashion is beautiful, the people are so nice and friendly. Maybe it has to do with that I've been living at home so much and I'm yearning for something new. Also, I love the music in this genre; it's so upbeat and amazing!

I can't believe I'm going to blog about this, but I've been feeling rather...lonely, lately. I know it's a cheesy thing to be talking about, but I need to get it out. I don't know what it is with me, but I overthink things when it comes to guys and what my mind does is creates all these scenarios that I hope will happen, but I know that they won't. I always urge people to make a move, you only live once. And where am I? Sitting in my bedroom wishing I had the guts. I can't even take my own advice. Does that make me a hypocrite? I don't want to think so, but I have this barrier with people I don't know. I need something to break that wall. But it's so thick of letdowns and fears. I'm mostly a confident person about myself. I speak out when I see fit, and I have my cocky moments. I don't get what happens when I go in public and that damned wall comes up. I never had that when I was in St. Peter's. I wish I knew what I know now, then. I wish even more that I graduated from there. I wish I didn't meet the people I met at Franklin. Things changed, I was robbed of physically and mentally. I'm not really sure what my point is. I think, that I'm trying to slowly chip away at my wall that keeps me from being myself. But there are moments that have created that wall that can't really be destroyed. I've been doing some digging. I'm not sure if I'm ready to break down that wall and start over? Or maybe the wall has already broken me down and I need time and experience to rebuild myself. Maybe I'm just complicating things even more. Maybe I should concentrate on myself and find out what I'm searching for before I go looking for it.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Geeze. What a question. The true answer would be nothing. But there doesn't have to be one singular thing you want to achieve. There can be many things. But that one thing...I'm not even sure what I want. I need to do some more digging.

I'm not there yet.

One of those rainy days...

I didn't pass a paper in school. I was like really depressed about it. Just really sad. It was ironic because I was writing a speech about how parents should be paying attention to their child's academic performance. Angie said she'd help me which I love, but it was just one of those moments where I felt like a total dumbass. I was all teary eyed driving home. I did homework, painted and watched Burlesque and it's only 9:30PM. So I can do some studying and maybe art tonight and tomorrow. I'll probably end up doing the art homework tomorrow before work. The good thing about the paper is that I have two weeks to redo the paper. Just the thought of redoing it is nauseating.

Awhile ago, a friend posted a link to "50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind" I think I'm going to post one of the questions and answer it.

32. If not now, then when?
I picked a number and just went with this. This is kind of something I've been trying to live by recently. Procrastinating is so dumb, just get things done. The faster you get things done, the faster you get to your destination. There is so much that can be done to improve. I know sometimes I don't always ask myself this question, because we all get lazy. But I like having motivation, I really do. I like the feeling of accomplishment. I really should be thinking about this more, even now. Like, right now...I should be working on something but I'm blogging. How productive. I'm just taking a break though. Soon I'm going to return to schoolwork.

Creativity

Sometimes, it strikes you at such odd times. It can be sneaky. Or maybe you just need to be reminded of what you're good at.

Wednesday, my friend and I went to Michael's and purchased a bunch of paints. Little did I know that I loved using brushes. It was so so nice to paint something creative. We painted for the whole night and then the next day I worked on my art homework. I used a lot of painting and I used a lot of ink on my homework. I finished it too, I was really happy with what I did. I rarely feel that way with that kind of art. It was good because I was home alone and acting like a child. I loved it. I've also been sewing a lot. I've been making a lot of things recently. I also decided I don't want to knit for my craft fair anymore. I feel like a lot of people at the craft fair have been doing the same things over and over again and I want to branch out and do something different. I kind of want to sew hats or toys. Something like that. We'll see how the next few months go.

School is going alright, nothing too bad. I recently did a speech on how to put on a corset and got a B+++ instead of an A because I was short on time. Ugh, so close. It's not a big deal haha.

I'm hoping my creative spark stays on fire.
As weird as that sounds.

I would be happy just making costumes

I might have to rethink that thought a little bit. I really love creating costumes and putting my own spin on it. Or even just following the pattern. But I love sewing and when it's something that's my own or one of a kind, that's what I love it even more.

School is fine. I think all my classes are okay, nothing too bad. There hasn't been really a lot going on, I guess. I've just had some trouble seeing eye to eye with my sister. She wants me to go to a state college, but myself and everyone I know is telling me to do what's comfortable and everything. So I'm going to do what I want to do. You can guess what that decision is.

I'm starting to craft more! I'm knitting more and I'm sewing more, also. I'm hoping to find a good vest pattern in the next few days and I'm sewing my brother's birthday gift so that should be fun :) I want to sew more and more so I can get better. I bought some nice fabric that I might use for a jacket. I bought a pattern for several pirate costumes so that should be fun.

Ughh...

I just made an asshole out of myself. I tried to get back into contact with a friend. Not knowing if she still wanted to talk to me. And now I see why. Every time I had talked to her, it would always be why her friend wouldnt talk to me. Now let's see how selfish that is. I not only hurt my friend but I also made myself look like a total idiot. I didn't even notice it either. I didn't mean it, but I used her. And she told me how she felt and I appreciate that, but...ugh, I know I can be selfish, but how did it come to that? What is it with me? I don't think and it doesn't process. I know people make mistakes but I feel like a total jackass. And I totally should. I deserve it. I don't know if I'll be forgiven. The way she messaged me, it sounded like she was close to ending our relationship. I should know how she feels. In fact, I do. It only makes me look like a huge loser. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a dick. I can't get over how stupid I look. I told my friend that she was right.
I need to give her space now. As I would probably want some space. I need a reality check.

edit:
Well, it looks like it's time to move on. We talked and it's true: we have run our course and we've grown apart. It's not the same as it was before. It was a bit shocking, but true. I will see this as a chance to grow. To treat people better, with care.

It always feel a little awkward

When I come back from an AWESOME convention and I have to come back to reality of school and work.
I went to Wicked Faire this weekend, which is my favorite convention ever. The culture, people and the fun is what I long for each winter. There was awesome live music, dancing, corsets and all kinds of things to buy. Also, what I loved is that the people are amazing. They treat the celebs as normal people. They don't make those stupid con jokes. I bought a new corset which is sooo amazing, I just need to buy a longer string. I dressed up as Red Riding Hood, but I put a little spin on it. I had so much fun at Wicked Faire, and I'm glad I got the courage to get up and dance.
Whenever I get back, it's always so weird. I have to adjust to normal people. I really wish people who went to conventions could like, live in a separate little area away from the rest of people.

Anyways, aside from that. School is ... well, school. Nothing too hard. Gave my first speech and I actually did it on making costumes, which was a big step for me.

Another thing I want to try to do is so clean my room. Like really clean in. And the house. But it's hard with a job and four classes. Ugh, I know excuses but UGH. I don't know.

I'm hoping I can actually pull through and do it.